6 Lessons from hoarders: why decluttering is so hard
About this time last year, I went through a major decluttering phase in my apartment. I’m a Pisces, so to dive even deeper, I binged A&E’s reality show Hoarders as I did it. It was cathartic, motivating, and kept my mind on the value of the process. At the end of it, having all that open space left me feeling free, light, and open to the possibilities. It was totally worth it!
It wasn’t always this easy for me. Decluttering could turn into a 4 letter word in the blink of an eye. Even just 5 minutes in, the guilt, frustration, and indecision would overwhelm me and I’d spend the next 3 weeks maneuvering around piles of belongings which I couldn’t bear to sort through. Eventually, I’d end up folding, arranging, and shoving all the things back into every nook of my storage space. “Make-it-small girl” has been a nickname in my family, and I’ve truly earned the title.
Decluttering forces us to work through the attachments in our life and release what no longer serves us. It’s an emotional purge as much as it is a physical one. Because we’re humans, our things are not just things. They’re reminders of people we love, declarations of who we’d like to be, possibilities we haven’t tapped into yet, reassurances for hard times that may come. To be human is to assign meaning - to experiences, to behavior, and to physical objects.
Along with all that, decluttering triggers concerns from our ever-present lizard brain. The subconscious ‘primitive’ part of our brain is sort of like an out-of-touch CEO. It’s wildly powerful, and it doesn’t really get the picture but is hell bent on keeping us alive at all costs. And it absolutely hates change - I mean we’ve survived up till this point, why would you try to mess that up?! When we release our attachments, especially emotional ones, our lizard brain will work overtime to serve us all sorts of self doubt and super-solid reasons why it makes sense to keep that throw pillow after all. Our life might depend on it!
When we don’t consider the behind-the-scenes work involved in decluttering, we can spur overwhelm and fail to actually clear up space, or strong-arm ourselves into going overboard. Because all this used to be so hard for me, I’ve spent a lot of time honing the process over the last few years to make it easier and actually produce the results I was originally hoping for. Keeping in mind that there’s more going on than what meets the eye, consider these tips as you work through your decluttering checklist:
Start with something purely utilitarian and unemotional, like your bathroom toiletries:
We might feel guilty around not flossing as much as we should, but for many of us, we’re not going to be overwhelmed by our expired ibuprofen, empty shampoo bottles, or dried out nail polish. Getting a quick win will spur a sense of accomplishment and motivation to keep us going. Plus, since we use our toiletries every day, the freshly organized drawers will serve as a frequent reminder of decluttering benefits.
Take it in small chunks - no, even smaller:
When you get into a room you’d like to declutter, divide it into tiny chunks you could reorganize in 20-30 minutes. Maybe even one or two drawers at a time. In actuality, it may take you longer as you come across hard decisions, nostalgic moments, or kicked-up frustrations. It’s all part of the process. But when you take it in small bites you’re more likely to be able to work through anything you need to and still accomplish your task in an optimistic amount of time. Achieving the best of both worlds, you finished what you started and it wasn’t too hard after all. Give yourself a pat on the back!
Don’t try to get it all done in one weekend. Spread out the decluttering work over a couple weeks:
Once you’ve finished that easy section of the room, leave and do something else! You already won the game for now, take the win and be happy about it. Maybe you had no trouble at all parting with old items, but emotions can be sneaky. Give yourself at least an hour to adjust to the change so you don’t send your subconscious into a frenzy. The guy behind the curtain is vigilant and highly skeptical, so give it a second to suss out the situation.
Keep your eyes on the prize:
Honestly, maybe watch Hoarders? Don’t knock it till you try it! Watching as I sorted kept things in perspective for me knowing that I could let my things go easier than the guests on the show could, and helped me understand why I was doing this in the first place. Decluttering is about prioritizing who you are and how you live now. You are more than, and dare I say, better than, anything that’s happened to you or may happen to you in the future. Saving room for the past or the future literally takes space away from the present. Having a better life now is worth it.
Save the closet for last; it’s the hardest:
More than being faced with your relationships, past memories, or old goals, your clothes house accumulated feelings about yourself. Shame is an awful emotion to work through and is so prevalent in our closet. Coming to terms with past selves, perhaps when we were fitter, younger, more social, etc. is especially difficult when we have to accept we are no longer that person. Maybe we can’t ‘pull off’ that stylish dress, or our favorite top is worn beyond repair, maybe we won’t fit into those jeans after all. Accepting and loving ourselves for where we are now is lifelong work, and it takes time and willingness to ‘go there’. Give yourself extra space and be willing to get rid of just a few items at a time if that’s what works best for you.
Really, go slow and give time to process:
Alternatively, we sometimes get overzealous in a high energy, decisive purge. We might throw out massive piles and leave ourselves with a highly functional and no-nonsense ‘capsule wardrobe’. This is a bit of emotional bypassing, and it doesn’t really work (the sad consequence of a lot of Hoarders episodes in which the hoarder rebuilds their mountains of stuff just months after the crew leaves). Trying to do the thing while ignoring our attachments only creates a hole we urgently need to fill. Soon enough, we’ll end up making the same mistakes with new things, spending money trying to achieve a version of ourselves that doesn’t align with our healthy authenticity. In order to stop experiencing life on a loop, be willing to take your time and not force or rush yourself.
