The secret sauce for your new year’s resolution
It’s that time again - the mile marker that sets us off on determined, well-intentioned goals to make this year better than the last. Cue “new year, new me” vibes. On one side, it’s inspirational to believe that we can start the new year fresh, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, making healthy and mature choices for ourselves without occupying any space with baggage that is so literally last year.
On the other side, you can’t say “new year, new me” without being reminded of the ever popular study that found nearly all resolutions are abandoned by February. When inevitably we are the ones abandoning our goals right out the gate, we shame ourselves as being lazy, selfish, unmotivated, or lacking clarity.
But I’d like to hold us up right here! It’s time to acknowledge how truly HARD it is to change our beliefs, routines, and habits. Change actually doesn’t happen overnight - not even if that night happens to be December 31st.
In truth, our brains are much smarter than we think (don’t spend too much time on this paradox). In the background, it performs all sorts of planning, strategizing, and communicating - completely unbeknownst to our consciousness! As we carry out our days, our brain recognizes patterns in our thoughts and actions and creates habits, beliefs, and routines. This inventory of learned go-to’s allows us to work and think quickly, freeing up precious energy to create new ideas, hone new skills, and be our very best. Without it, we would actually forget how to ride a bike. Can you imagine?! Never!
As adults, we’ve had the experience behind us to get along without doing too much that’s “new.” We already know how to tie our shoes, drive our car, and cook dinner (present company excluded). We also have our go-to posture, bedtime, and we wear the same 6 outfits all season long. Our brain knows what we like based on our past behavior, and so plans our day around what it thinks we want - more of the same. It’s what we’ve taught ourselves to expect, and our efficiency-seeking brain loves consistency. It’s here to make things easy for you.
When we set out to change our old ways of being, however, we throw a wrench in our brain’s carefully laid out plans. “Wait, I’m confused.” your brain might say to you, “I know you. We don’t get up when the alarm goes off, we press snooze and look at our phone for an hour. It’s right here in the schedule! We do this all the time, isn’t this what you want?!” Not ready to immediately abandon a habit that has worked pretty well up until this point thankyouverymuch, our brain asks us again and again if we can stick with what we’ve got.
This is where things get HARD. If we’re not consistent in what we show our brain we want, we won’t convince it to let go of old habits and learn new ones. As much as I like to type that way, our brain doesn’t have a mind of its own. It’s not here to trip us up or keep us stuck. It doesn’t know ‘good’ from ‘bad’. It doesn’t know our goals and how our behavior is or isn’t helping us achieve them. It just needs time to learn and adjust to the change, like anything else. We need to accumulate a new history from which our brain can establish a pattern, so now that’s what it puts in the schedule. Our brain needs practice to catch up and get with the new program.
The very idea that our goal to meditate is achieved and fully-operational on day one of the new year is exactly what makes our resolution impossible to keep. Expecting a daily intense workout during the time when habit says we should be answering emails is too much to ask our brains (not to mention our muscles) to keep up with without any room for error or struggle. I mean, how annoyed would you be if your professor made you take a final the same day you received the class textbook? Not very nice, right?
So let's be nice to our noggins, okay? Give credit for the hard work required to achieve your goal, and allow yourself to go slow and easy with it. All of us work this way - you’re not being lazy or undisciplined, and yes, you do want it enough. The hard part of ending an old habit and forming a new one is just not something we get to be consciously aware of, so remind yourself of all the work you’re doing in the background. As if you were teaching your brain a new subject, break up the material into smaller parts you can build upon, hold class multiple times every week (the more the better, but it’s okay to miss class here and there), and give your brain the full semester to study. Really! It takes on average 66 days to learn a new habit. (Lally et al., 2009)
