Do you have a ‘safe space’ in your home?

I’ve been carrying some heavy feelings this week, and only after doing all the typical things to numb, avoid, or deny them - TV, social media, sleep, food, alcohol, work, staying busy - and realizing that the emotions are, indeed, still there (darn it), I finally chose to do what actually helps resolve them and go to my safe space in the apartment and feel it out. This spot on the floor next to my bed is where I go to get angry, to yell at the universe, to pity myself, and/ or give it a good cry. I don’t know why, but when it’s really hard I end up laying there on my stomach, arms at my side, staring at the fibers of the carpet. It would be so weird to catch me like this, but it works. 

I realize I live alone, and really, every inch of my apartment could be considered my ‘safe space,’ but it isn’t. This is where I choose to return time and time again with my palms open, ready to surrender to myself. This is the spot, the judgment free zone, where not even I can invalidate or negotiate down my feelings. It just has to be what it is here.

And I think that’s really important. Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s book, Burnout: the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle tells us that emotions are a process in themselves that require a beginning, middle, and an end. Unless we allow space for the process to unfold and complete, we can burn out under the stress of these halfway-experienced feelings. All emotions are temporary, but they leave us only once they’ve completed their cycle.

Further, personal space is incredibly important for our wellbeing, regardless of our extroversion level or relationship status. Being alone with our thoughts and emotions regularly and without judgment helps us build a strong sense-of-self, know what we want in life, and gain new perspectives on our circumstances.

So how do we allow space for the process? What does giving room to work through our feelings entail? Because this is a blog about our physical environment, I’m going to answer these questions literally.

Whether it’s on the floor of your bedroom, locked in your closet, or inside your car, you know you have a great safe space when it has these things:

You can be alone

Your safe space should be where you can be alone, out of sight, and with some sort of sound barrier. This needs to be a judgment-free zone, and feeling exposed to anyone but yourself may keep you from feeling comfortable enough to engage with your honest feelings. If possible, your spot should be in a separate room where you can close the door and block out the rest of the world.

You can be there uninterrupted

Similar to the above, if that door has a lock, lock it. It’s not always easy for us to have time to ourselves in a busy household, but to extract the benefits from your safe space, you need time to be in it. I’ve found that, when I’m ready to engage with my emotions, the actual time it takes to process is surprisingly short. If you have just 30 minutes, you may be surprised at how well you are able to release hard feelings.

You feel comfortable 

Your spot should be a place that’s physically comfortable, even if it’s not luxuriously so. Make sure you have room to stretch, the temperature is acceptable, and nothing’s poking out at you. 

You can return to the same place again and again

If we have a singular designated place we return to to feel our feelings, we will build an association of that place with the safety to feel them, and can more easily flow into our honest and authentic selves whenever we go there. The space itself starts to help us process our emotions. 

You have some sort of self-affirming item there

Our society has built a lot of shame around engaging with our honest feelings, and it can be hard not to think ourselves ridiculous for taking this time out. If you can, include some personal, self-affirming touches, even if it’s in a small, symbolic way. An encouraging post-it note, a healing crystal, a lucky penny. 

You have your tools at the ready

Some of us journal our feelings or insights, some like to scream into a pillow, some need a fluffy blanket for reassurance, and some want tissues after a good cry session. Consider what might be helpful to you ahead of time, and have your supplies at the ready for whenever you need them.

Whether or not you live alone or in a crowded home, we all deserve a safe space where we can have private moments to let our guard down and reconnect with our authentic feelings without judgment. If you don’t already have one, you might be doing yourself a big favor by carving out your corner now!